I finished sitting at the mahogany dining room table. Then I sat at the stark white kitchen table. I moved between the two for variety. I annoyed my mother while she cooked lunch, hoping the day would go faster.
"You're going to have to stop waiting for him," my mom said. "It's dragging your whole life down."
"I don't have a life."
"He's not as great a guy as you think. If he'd cheat on his wife, he'd cheat on you."
"He loves me, Mom. I know he loves me."
"He could love you and still never be able to leave his family, and you have to accept that."
I moved back to the dining room. I knew I should not want to get back together; I needed to find a real job. I knew I was wasting brain cells planning our future. But it was so hard to plan my future without him. It was hard to draw pictures from scratch. It would be so much easier to start with a picture of his hair, or his house, or his money.